always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
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I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.