If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
My love language is deader than Latin
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.