[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
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Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
🍛
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.