It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
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-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
is this store having a stroke wtf
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
“No way.” -Jose
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Effort made
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch