If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
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This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I love twitter
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
watergate? u mean a dam??
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity