EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
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Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Meanwhile in Canada…
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.