It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
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BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
cat vs inanimate object
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point