OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
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To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Solving a traffic jam
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted