Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
You Might Also Like
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.