gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
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Very problematic
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons