God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
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[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Fights fire with marshmallows
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”