The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
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If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
We need to put an American base on the sun
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
“you recording!?”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope