Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
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the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.