Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
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You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
My dad teaching me to drive
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.