“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
You Might Also Like
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines