ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
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Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Tell the colonel to bring it
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”