Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
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It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
No Google it does not
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
How do you like your Corgi?
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.