I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
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the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper