The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
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Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!