CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
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I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
they really do be looking like this
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.