My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
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Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.