ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
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My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
one last job
I think I’ll stand
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table