Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
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Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I’m giving up ice.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.