I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
You Might Also Like
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”