Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
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McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
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I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…