6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
You Might Also Like
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
They must have gotten it to go.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.