*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
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Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks