Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
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I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve