computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
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*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.