If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
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I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.