one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
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Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet