Florida be like…
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Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
That’s fair
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.