Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
You Might Also Like
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.