Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
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The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet