ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
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MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
The opposite of Iceland is water water
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow