Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
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After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome