Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
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Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.