Happy Febuary everyone!
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Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back