“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
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If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Current mood: Potato
OKAY DAD
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.