[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Sing it!
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.