Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
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When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Please do it!
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend