It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
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[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
This is my brand.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*