I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
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My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Time for evil
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you