[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
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Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order