Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
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How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk