nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
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When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second