Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
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JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday