my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
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Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Yeah. This was me today.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.