If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
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At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.