[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
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Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.